Feeling Unloved and Unwanted? What Mother Turtle Taught Me

I was standing at the top of a mountain, covered in baby animals that needed tending and nurturing, and I could no longer move forward. How had I ended up here?

Recently I have become aware of something vulnerable to share. Despite knowing that I am loved by my family and friends, I have been feeling deeply unwanted and unloved.

Intellectually I know I am lucky: I have been married for over twenty years, I have three children I adore and who adore me, I have a close relationship with my sister, her family and my parents, and I am surrounded by friends. Yet deep down, I still don't feel loved.

There seems to be a gap between what my mind knows and what my body actually feels. This got me thinking about the dynamics around giving and receiving love.

Here is what I discovered: being needed is not the same as being wanted. When we give ourselves away to feel loved, we block the very love we long for, and the body slowly forgets how to receive it.

You do not have to be alone to feel this. Many people who feel unloved are surrounded by people who love them.

One of the tools I use to find answers is shamanic journeying, a meditative practice of traveling to meet spirit guides and receive guidance. When I journeyed on this question, the answers helped put everything into perspective. If you are interested in learning, Michael Harner and Sandra Ingerman are solid resources.

My Shamanic Journey, Part One: The Mountain

I started the journey accompanied by all my animal guides, walking towards mountains. Slowly I climbed up until I reached the top. A hawk flew to me and handed me a big egg to carry with me until it hatched. I wrapped it carefully and put it against my chest to keep it warm and continued on my way until I reached the next peak, where I was handed a baby squirrel to nurture and feed. I created a warm place for it next to the unhatched egg, fed it tenderly and continued on my way.

The journey repeated itself endlessly: every time I reached the peak, I was entrusted with another baby animal to look after, until I was so covered that I could no longer move forward. Where I had initially felt flattered to be entrusted with their care, I now felt only resentment and frustration.

At that point, I was called away and the journey paused naturally. Still, the overarching feeling was of being caught in an endless cycle I could not escape, and it left me frustrated and confused.

Is Being Needed the Same as Being Wanted?

Feeling unwanted often drives people to give more and more because feeling needed fills up the inner void. Yet constantly giving ourselves away just to be loved deepens the ache and blocks all receiving.

It becomes easy to hide in being surrounded, needed and busy giving, masking how invisible and unloved you really feel. When you only exist through giving, you are effectively preventing yourself from receiving.

The first part of the journey showed me clearly that being needed is not the same as being wanted. I was ready to feel both loved and wanted.

How Do the 5 Love Languages Explain Feeling Unloved?

Love languages have been part of my toolkit for many years.

In his 1992 book The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman proposes five main ways we give and receive love: Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation and Receiving Gifts. We use all five, but most of us align with one or two primary languages.

We tend to love others the way we need to be loved, instead of the way they need to be loved. My husband's love languages are Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation. He helps me a lot, which I am grateful for, but I need Touch and Quality Time to feel really loved. I am very aware of his love language and make a point of speaking it to him regularly.

When we don't speak the same love language, it creates tension. And when we are stressed, we revert instinctively back to our default love language and stop speaking the love language the other needs.

This framework has its critics. A 2024 review by relationship scientists Emily Impett, Gideon Park and Amy Muise, published in Current Directions in Psychological Science, suggested love works more like a balanced diet, where we need every ingredient.

I still find the love languages a useful and simple place to start.

What I know for sure is that love can be present and genuinely expressed, yet not received or understood.

My shamanic journey, part two: the beach

I returned to my shamanic journey later that day. The energy had shifted to a beautiful beach, where I was encircled by a group of benevolent sea turtles. Mother Turtle came to me with the message: "Stop giving away everything you are to be loved."

What Does Turtle Medicine Mean?

Turtle medicine is about carrying your home within you: belonging, grounding, patience and healthy boundaries.

Turtle carries her home on her back, moves slowly and patiently, and withdraws into her shell when she needs to.

Sea turtles lay their eggs and trust them to find their own way instead of carrying them, the exact opposite of what I had been doing on the mountain. There was also a strong message about belonging without having to earn it.

The medicine points to safe boundaries, grounding and pulling back inside when you need insight.

Turtle also represents Mother Earth and living in balance with her. It was also a call to come out of my shell and be seen more. A shell can become a prison if you never leave it.

Why Is Receiving So Hard for Givers?

Giving is glorified in so many ways, as I explored in my blog on self-sacrifice.

• Worth tied to usefulness. Early childhood patterns can teach you that your worth depends on how useful and helpful you are.

• Giving feels safer than being seen. Giving keeps you in control and lets you avoid the vulnerability of having needs.

• The fear of being a burden. If life has shown you that your needs are too much, asking for and accepting help can bring up guilt and shame.

• Receiving feels like a debt. It can seem easier to owe nobody anything.

• The body does not recognize it. When you are used to giving, being given to can leave your nervous system feeling unsafe and unsettled.

• Being needed covers a deeper fear. What happens when people no longer need you? Will they leave?

The Circle of Turtles: Being Loved Without Earning It

The shamanic journey ended with Mother Turtle claiming me as part of her clan. I stood in the center of a circle of turtles, where all I had to do was let myself be held and loved.

Mother Turtle also promised that someone from my clan would show up soon to help.

FAQs: Feeling Unloved and Unwanted

Q: Why do I feel unloved even when I know I am loved?

A: Knowing you are loved happens in the mind, while feeling loved happens in the body. If you learned early that love had to be earned, your nervous system may not register love that arrives freely. It may also mean love is being offered in a way that does not land for you.

Q: Is being needed the same as being wanted?

A: No. Being needed means someone relies on what you do for them. Being wanted means someone desires your presence even when you have nothing to offer. Givers often confuse the two because being needed feels like belonging, but that sense of place can disappear the moment the giving stops.

Q: Why do I feel unwanted in close relationships?

A: Feeling unwanted often grows in one-sided relationships where you give, carry, and adjust while your needs go unheard or get dismissed. Over time, you start believing you have to earn your place. Notice how your body responds around this person: calm and held, or tense and on trial.

Q: Why is receiving love so hard for people who give a lot?

A: Many givers tie their worth to being useful, so receiving can feel undeserved, exposing, or like taking on a debt. It asks you to stop doing and let your needs be seen, which feels unsafe if love once came with conditions. Receiving is a skill, and it can be relearned.

Q: What does Turtle medicine teach about feeling wanted?

A: Turtle carries her home on her back, so she never has to earn a place to belong. Her medicine teaches self-containment, patience, and healthy withdrawal into your shell when you need to rest. In my journey, Mother Turtle was clear: stop giving away everything you are to be loved.

Q: How can I feel more loved and wanted?

A: Start by noticing where you give in order to earn love, and let yourself pause there. Practice receiving small things without deflecting or repaying them right away. Spend time with people who leave you feeling calm and held. The Deeply Loved and Wanted Light Language Activation can support your body in remembering that you already belong.

Coming Home to Being Wanted

Feeling unloved and unwanted is often not a lack of love around us, but a body that has forgotten how to receive it. Mother Turtle's message is one I am still learning: you do not have to earn your place in the circle. You already belong just because you exist.

If you recognize yourself in these patterns, I created the companion Deeply Loved and Wanted Light Language Activation to help rewire the chronic overgiving and open your body to receiving.

You might also find support in The Unsacrificing Light Language Activation and the Reciprocity Symbol Light Language Activation, both of which work on dissolving the patterns that block receiving.